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STEP PARENTING FROM ONE WHO FAILED
By Dr. Gail Gross
A second marriage can bring many changes - the merging of two lifestyles, different expectations based on families of origin, and different parenting models - just to name a few. However, nothing can be as daunting to a new mate as becoming a stepparent. Add to this the angst, insecurity, and fear of the battle-worn and displaced children, struggling to find their space in this new arrangement that they neither asked for, nor in many cases wanted, and you have the prescription for the wicked stepparent. Even though this is a rather gloomy scenario, it is not hopeless - though let me be clear - it can be.
The main objective here is to "act in your adult," and remember that parents are entitled to parent - even stepparents. Also keep in mind the only one that you can change is you. It is important to be realistic. This means that your stepchildren, whether they are living with you or visiting on the weekends, may wish you were not around. Children that want the two most central people to their existence, mother and father, back together again may feel both at fault for the break up, as well as see you as the one roadblock to their reconciliation. Never mind that they may have inherited new stepsiblings they may not like, are jealous of, and now must live with.
These children weren't given any options and know that a new family has formed with new rules. They may feel their life is out of control and if the child or children are young, they neither have the skills nor sophistication to cope. This creates the perfect environment for acting out behavior, or worse - depression, free floating anxiety, underachievement, or repressed hostility towards the parent who got them into this predicament in the first place. This anger may not express itself for many years - making it much harder to have a successful resolution.
The parent who doesn't have full custody, often acts as the visiting parent, bearing residual guilt for the divorce "guilt in search of a transgression", and may be fearful of losing the love of their children. As a result, they are more vulnerable to the manipulations of those children who are also often acting out of misplaced loyalty on behalf of their absent parent.
When I married my husband 30 years ago, I was 28 years old with two small children. I also became the stepparent to three children - two adolescents and one middle school age. I was lost. To cope with my new stepparent role, I followed my schoolteacher training, psychology background and intuition. I still managed to do everything wrong. Furthermore, there was only one book around at the time to offer any guidance, "The Girls and Boys Book on Divorce." The only problem was it didn't work for grown-ups. The major lesson I learned from all my mistakes- let go of guilt!
A famous American once said, "United we stand - divided we fall" and never is that more true than in second families. The following are rules to help parents cope with their new combined families.
Rule number one - Both parents must act as one. That head on the pillow next to you must be on your side - right or wrong. All adjustments to this first rule must be made in private.
Rule number two - Don't react - be proactive at all times. This requires the parents to receive information impersonally, realizing that their children from their respective families are operating out of projected material or it wouldn't be charged.
Rule number three - Act in your adult conscious. No blocking here, and no wounded child behavior. This will only put you on par with your children in an adversarial position.
Rule number four - My personal favorite. Listen to your children empathically. It is the best way to communicate. Value and respect what they are willing to share with you, without giving up your right to parent. This allows children to be clear in their communication without getting over invested in the outcome. This creates a safe and, more importantly, neutral space for all parties to return, and often with a better and more positive outlook.
Rule number five - Don't assume anyone's motives. Remember what the old adage said about assumptions. And it is often the case with children since they are often unconscious of their motives. This can hold true for adults as well.
Rule number six - Establish boundaries and clear rules that are family creations. If children are involved in the making of family rules, they are invested, and therefore, more likely to follow them.
Rule number seven - Don't burden your children with your problems. Seek professional help and counseling if tensions run too high.
Rule number eight - Never speak in a derogatory way about biological parents for that will attack the very identity of the children who count their natural parents as half of who they are.
Remember to do your best and be kind to yourself. If you are authentic in your behavior and do your best, you are more likely to secure a positive outcome.
Ultimately, you and your stepchildren are on a spiritual journey, which has the opportunity to open your hearts and quicken your soul. Remember - over 50% of all marriages end in divorce. This creates over 7.3 million children living in extended families. Add to this the fact that 46% of all marriages are remarriages and the leading cause of divorce in these marriages is the children - thus you can see the scope of the problem.
Therefore, parents have an obligation to prepare the next generation for the future, including and most importantly, their future relationships. Model for your children what a good marriage is about. Stand together and make room for the kids.
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Dr. Gail Gross is a nationally recognized expert on juvenile education and development issues, and an advocate for the interests of children
. She is a host of her own radio show "Let's Talk."
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